Steptoe and Son: two-junk men and a junk-cart, bonded by blood, tied by the reins of Hercules the horse and sparking laughs off each other like flint off old iron. The comic genius of two of Britain's most extraordinary scriptwriters, and the remarkable talents of two true comedy actors, drew over 20 million television viewers each week. Here are some of the story lines from these wonderful half hour gems.

Boots off, slippers on, careful of the Persian carpet . . . a collector wants Harold to remove his wife's 'Joanna' from the top of a large block of flats. Any ordinary bloke would turn it in . . . but Harold's no ordinary bloke.
with Brian Oulton and Roger Avon

The Steptoe's usually go to Mrs Clifford's at Bognor Regis for their holiday, but Harold's seen posters of sun bronzed girls on palm-fringed beaches. It's the Continent for him . . . if he can retrieve his threepenny bits from the rotten thievin' old git who nicked 'em, and if he can break the news to his old man.
with Colin Gordon as the Doctor

What a way to live! Harold's invited a 'bird' for cocktails and his Dad's eating pickles in the bath in the middle of the room. Something of a social stigma, to say the least . . .!
with Yootha Joyce and Marjie Lawrence

Harold has booked himself a skiing holiday which is a first on two counts - he's NOT taking Albert and he's NOT going to Bognor. No, Harold has read all of the brochures and he's going to Austria with his sights firmly set on female company at the Apres Ski. With his expectations as high as the snowy peaks themselves - "The snow round my chalet will be melting on the first night!" - there can surely only be one way for Harold's fortunes to go.
Harry H Corbett & Wilfrid Brambell

A young woman arrives on Albert's doorstep looking for Harold and by the size of her she's been looking for him just short of 9 months! Although neither Harold, nor the heavily pregnant Miss Daphne Tomlin recognise each other, Harold's willingness to take responsibility for this ready made family is not so much noble as bordering on pathetic.
with Ann Beach and Glynn Edwards

Passions run high at Steptoe and Son when Albert brings his fiancé home to meet Harold. Although Albert met her at the Darby and Joan Club she's far from being the "old boiler" Harold is expecting. In fact, Mrs Goodlace turns out to be a beautiful vision from Harold's distant past.
with Jean Kent as Mrs Goodlace

A by-election in Shepherds Bush ruptures any semblance of unity at Steptoe & Son, for Harold is the Labour Party Secretary for Shepherds Bush West, while Albert, as a member of the "management classes" is a confirmed Tory! When Albert informs Harold that the Right Honourable Ted Heath, no less, is coming to tea, Harold believes there's as much chance of it happening as there is Ian Paisley and the Pope having an ecumenical booze-up. Still, perhaps he should make his own plans, just in case.

Having had enough of the leaking roof, the shuddering caused by the motorway and the earsplitting racket of low flying "planes, Harold's decided to leave Shepherds Bush and sell the house. But while he's practising his golf swing and considering joining the Masons, the imminent arrival of Steptoe and Son to High View Avenue has net curtains twitching throughout deepest suburbia.

It finally looks as though Harold may have made a killing when he manages to con some old dear into selling a 19th Century commode for seven pounds ten. While Harold calculates the immense profit he's about to make and muses over the sights a chamber pot bearing the crest of the Prince Regent must have seen, Albert has a more realistic view of the dangers involved when messing with the big names in the antique trade.

A quiet game of chess is interrupted by a complete stranger newly arrived from Australia and clutching copious tubes of lager. To Harold's absolute horror the uncouth visitor turns out to be Arthur, the half-brother he never knew he had! Albert is delighted and offers his eldest a home and a partnership in the business. Harold, jealous and resentful storms out for good, but will Arthur live up to Albert's expectations?
Kenneth J Warren. Edwin Brown.

Harold jumps at the chance of supplying an article for the parish magazine on the history of totting in Shepherd's Bush. 'This could be the start of a new career' he muses. But Albert, peeved that he lost the toss and moaning that Harold is illiterate, prepares his own contribution. The vicar is delighted with both offerings, but when the police raid the vicarage after reading a copy his pleasure is as short lived as his freedom.
Anthony Sharp as the vicar.

Harold has always fancied fame and fortune, so when he's offered a leading role in the local amateur dramatic societies' latest production he jumps at the chance. Harold is convinced he'll become a great actor, but cynical Albert pours scorn on the project, until, to Harold's horror, he's also offered a part. Who will upstage who? (or should that be whom?) Only opening night will tell.
Trevor Bannister. Margaret Nolan. John Quayle.

The timely death of Albert's tight-fisted brother, George, means yet another Steptoe family funeral. "That's my Yoga night gone for the chop." moans Harold who detests these hypocritical occasions. But Albert wants his share of the pickings. The dreaded day dawns. The Co-op have done 'em proud and the drink flows. But when the squabbling clan race back from the cemetery like vultures to a feast they find the house has been burgled. Or has it?
George A Cooper. Gilly Flower. Rita Webb. Mollie Sugden.

Albert has never really been a fully paid up member of the Welfare State, but that doesn't stop him from claiming what's his - and what's not his! 'But she's been dead for 33 years', exclaims a horrified Harold when he discovers Albert has been claiming for his late wife. When the Inland Revenue start snooping, Muriel Steptoe turns up to lend a hand . . .
Colin Gordon. Peter Madden. Edwin Apps.

Albert beats Harold at everything and a thrashing at badminton in the manure strewn yard pushes poor Harold over the edge. Whilst sleepwalking he attempts to murder Albert with a cleaver. To avoid real disaster he consults a psychiatrist and together they probe into Harold's oppressed past. He returns home a new man. Calm and composed. But for how long?
Raymond Huntley. Joanna Lumley. Georgina Cookson.

"That's not dust that's bleeding topsoil" exclaims a long-suffering Harold determined to clean up the squalor and give the premises a new look. But when Albert plumps for a colour scheme of dark green and chocolate, ('they don't show the dirt') while he favours wedgewood blue and etruscan red, an exasperated Harold decides to divide the house. But apartheid causes problems, how do you split the telly down the middle?

Albert and Harold have hit on some hard times: the house is colder than 'the Russian front'; there's a pile of bills big enough to paper the room and all Harold has eaten all day is a carrot he stole from the 'orse. But when their house is chosen by two 'dangerous' convicts escaping from the 'Scrubs' and in search of some hot grub, money and a fast car, they discover they have a lot more in common than mere destitution.
Leonard Rossiter. J G Devlin. Corbett Woodall. Tommy Vance.

It's Christmas and Albert is busy festooning the outside khazi blissfully ignorant that Harold is making his own plans. And they don't include his Dad. He's off to sunny Majorca and he has his ticket, hotel reservation and spending money. There's only one very minor detail for Harold to sort out . . . tell Albert !
Peter Hughes. Frank Thornton. Valerie Bell. Mary Barclay.

Harold's success with women hits rock bottom when the willing Marcia discovers insects in his bed. A humiliated Harold takes drastic action and visits the Bayswater Bedorama, where he plumps for a water bed. "At least you won't have any more trouble with bed bugs" exclaims Albert "it'll drown the little bleeders." Harold is delighted with his purchase and with the prospect of untold delights to come, Marcia is enticed back. . . .
Lynn Farleigh as the lovely Marcia. Angus Mackay as the salesman.

When Harold picks up an old 'What the Butler Saw' machine on his round, the sordid contents threaten to ruin his social standing in the community and gives an awful credibility to his frequent cry "You dirty old man". Unfortunately the vicar thinks it's just the thing for his forthcoming church fete...
Anthony Sharp. Dorothy Frere.

Albert's upstairs, flat on his back and unable to walk. Soothed by Harold's filial care and attention, not to mention the telly, liqueur chocs, grapes and unlimited beer, his slipped disc heals very very gradually.
Harold's downstairs, doing the housework, out on the round and out on his feet. The liquorice allsorts are also downstairs and when Harold notices that someone's pinching the pink ones, he puts two and two together.
Robert James.

Albert and Harold's happy junkyard is about to change when Harold meets a stripper and wants to get married! Albert is far from happy with the new addition to his home and he pulls out all the stops trying to get rid of Harold's new missus.
Carolyn Seymour. Victor Maddern. Fred Griffiths.

Read about the movie.

Harold is conned into putting Albert's life savings into a dodgy greyhound who needs contact lenses to see the hare! And when the dog loses a race, they try to pay off the debt by faking Albert's death and collecting on the life insurance money. Unfortunately Albert falls asleep in the coffin at the wake, and it looks like it's goodbye Albert for real.
Diana Dors, Milo O'Shea. Bill Maynard. Sam Kydd. Frank Thornton.